Saturday, June 17, 2017

Finn's Story

Today, Finn Ignatius Gensic turns a month old. I can’t decide if the month flew by or if it crawled. I don’t know if I’m exhilarated or completely drained. All I know is that it has been quite a month.

During the second week of May, I went to my 36 week prenatal visit for this pregnancy that up to that point had been relatively uneventful. The doctor mentioned that my fundal height was a little low, so he scheduled me for a growth scan the following Monday, May 15.

During the ultrasound, I made small talk with the tech, but I could tell that something wasn’t right. There was a tension on the tech’s face that I couldn’t ignore. I was taken to a room for a private consultation with the doctor. Private consultations are never something you hope for in a pregnancy. He told me that the baby was 5 weeks behind in growth, and they didn’t know why. At a follow-up scan the next day, the tech told me that she estimated the baby was only 3 pounds. I was scheduled for an appointment with a high-risk pregnancy doctor in Norman on the 17th.

However, on the evening of the 16th, I went in to the labor and delivery unit here in Ardmore because I was spotting. I informed the nurses that it was probably nothing, but I was a nervous wreck, and could they please check me out. I expected to be home within the hour.

I was hooked up to the monitors that are standard during labor and delivery. As I was lying there, I kept having Braxton Hicks contractions, and after some of the contractions, Finn’s heart would decelerate. Out of concern, they sent me for another ultrasound in the emergency room. Through that midnight ultrasound, we were finally able to determine that my placenta was giving out on Finn.

During the whole night, I was terrified. I could hear Finn’s heart beat, and the decelerations were agony to listen to. By the next morning, BJ and I with the guidance of a warm and reassuring nurse had decided that we wanted a c-section, and we wanted it soon. When my doctor came in, he had reached the same conclusion. He said that it would take him about an hour to get his surgical “A-team” together. He wanted to have the best because of the high-risk nature of this delivery, so we agreed to wait an hour. He then asked BJ if he would like to go on the helicopter with Finn if he had to be flown out. In that moment, I realized how much danger Finn was in.

An hour later, the nurse who had been with me all morning put an arm around my shoulder and walked me to the OR. An incredibly kind anesthesiologist explained to me the process of the epidural since I had never had one, and then he did a wonderful job of prepping me. Soon after, our pediatrician, my doctor, and BJ arrived for the operation.

As I laid on the operating table, I kept silently mouthing three words to God: “David and Goliath.” I didn’t know how to pray eloquently in that moment of incredible fear, but I knew that David was small like my Finn, and I knew he had faced a seemingly insurmountable challenge with God’s support. I figured that if I couldn’t come up with my own words on Finn’s behalf, I would just pray that story for him.

Within minutes of the operation starting, the doctor pulled Finn out, and it only took a few moments for him to belt out a loud, beautiful scream. Our pediatrician gave him high Apgar scores, and said that the helicopter would be able to return without Finn. He only weighed 3 lbs. and 10 oz., but he was in good shape.

The next eight days, Finn and I spent in the hospital here in Ardmore. He couldn’t be discharged until he reached 4 pounds. It was a difficult week for me. BJ couldn’t spend much time with us because he had laryngitis that he didn’t want to expose Finn to. And I was devastated by the idea that my body had failed Finn. He was so small, it was difficult to feel anything but fear and bewilderment: how could this have happened to our baby?

On the day that Finn reached 4 pounds and we were going to get discharged, a nurse came to get him for his assessment. Normally, assessments took only about 10 minutes, but 45 minutes went by when our pediatrician walked into the room. He said that Finn had looked dusky to the nurse, so she had checked Finn’s oxygen and heart rate, and he was showing signs of distress. They had no idea what was wrong with Finn, but our pediatrician wanted to have him flown to Cook’s Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth so that we could get answers fast.

I was so shocked at first, that I couldn’t cry. Numb, I called BJ to tell him. He said that we had been feeling better that morning, and he had been about to leave for the hospital so that he could hold Finn for the first time. At this point, I was able to cry.

BJ arrived soon after I called, and we waited in the hospital room for more information. We were unable to be with Finn while we waited for the flight crew and while he was assessed. About 2 hours after we initially learned everything, there was a knock on our door. It was the flight crew with Finn in an enormous incubator on a stretcher. Finn had multiple tubes already connected to him. I don’t know how to put into words what that moment felt like without leaning on clich├ęs. I’ll just say that my heart broke.

The flight crew gave me a “lovey”, a cloth toy to touch and keep in my shirt so that it would smell like me and so that Finn would have it in the hospital. They explained to us where we needed to go, and told us to drive carefully because speeding wouldn’t help anyone. I was quietly weeping as I stood next to Finn. Pushing the stretcher was a man with a mustache who looked like my dad. As we said our goodbyes to Finn, the man whispered to me repeatedly that Finn would be okay. I decided that since he looked so much like my dad, I would try my hardest to believe him.

The next 12 days in the NICU were a steady stream of terrifying test that our little Finn had to endure. Through it all, he ate and put on weight like a champ. The NICU has a funny way of turning the most laid back mothers and fathers into quintessential helicopter parents, and BJ and I were certainly no exception. We hovered over Finn, and rarely put him down. In the end, it was determined that the growth restriction he had suffered in my womb had put more stress on his body that originally thought, and he just needed more time to put on weight and stabilize.

Twenty days after his dramatic appearance, we were blessed to bring our Finn home. The adrenaline from the experience has not entirely subsided, but we are starting to feel more normal. Finn weighed 5 lbs. 14 oz. at his check this week, so he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. One of the most trying parts of the experience was being separated from Shepherd, Lydia, and Violet, so their crazy chaos is a welcomed presence these days.

The emotions from the past month are still raw. I can’t think about telling Finn goodbye before he was flown to Cooks without crying. His lovey is in our room, and I feel mostly anxiety when I look at it because of the associated memories. But I refuse to throw it away because I know that a day will come when I will smile at those memories.

I have thought a lot this past month about what I will tell Finn about his origin story. I prayed constantly throughout this pregnancy from the moment I knew Finn existed for his health and safety. However, I don’t look at what happened and think God answered “no” to those prayers. I don’t believe God smited us with inter-uterine growth restriction (IUGR) to teach us some lesson or test us in some way. I think the IUGR happened because crap happens sometimes. That is just the way the world is.

What I see when I look at Finn’s story isn’t an unanswered prayer. Rather, what I see is that when my son got dealt a lousy hand by life circumstances, God played for Finn’s team. I see a thousand different ways God protected and shaped Finn despite a sorry excuse for a placenta. Finn’s story is a story of what God can do for the little guy even when the odds are stacked against him. It is a David and Goliath story.

During our twenty days in the hospital and NICU, I often felt like I couldn’t see God. It was as if I was cloaked in the darkest of fogs, a fog built entirely of fear and pain. I told myself that he was present in the nightmare I was going through because he had been present at so many other times in my life, but I couldn’t feel him there. The final night we were in the NICU, BJ and I ran to Target to get a few things we needed for Finn’s expected discharge the next morning. On the way, Fort Worth was adorned by the thickest and most brilliant rainbow I have ever witnessed. Perhaps this is far-fetched, but indulge me for a moment. When I saw that rainbow, a symbol of God’s relationship with humanity, I knew without a doubt that God had been with us the whole time, even when I had felt completely isolated.   

As the pictures below shows, Finn has come a long way in a month. We could not be more proud of all he has already accomplished in his little life, and I feel so deeply blessed to be his mom.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Lydia turns 4

Before I get started, let me say that I realize I've only done one post this year. As it turns out, being the mom of a 5, 3, and 1 year old while also trying to occasionally write for our local newspaper, support BJ's final stretch to his doctorate, and keep up a house is all a lot more time-consuming than I thought it would be. Who would have thought? But I miss writing here terribly, and so for Lydia's birthday, why not?

I'm going to keep it simple and write the 5 coolest things about Lydia at this stage:

1. She makes us laugh. A lot. All the time. She is constantly saying things we don't expect and that border on the profane. A recent favorite quote on the topic of her soon-to-be-born cousin: "Uncle Bro doesn't even have a single boob to feed his baby. Not a single boob."

2. Her imaginary friend, Jimmy, totally rocks. He's been with us for over a year now, and oh boy, is he busy. Throughout this year, he has hung out with monkeys in our oak trees, married Lydia at a plethora of weddings, worked with BJ at church, and been chased by a green monster while he was trying to grocery shop. Thankfully, the green monster left footprints, so Lydia was able to track him down.

3. She is a budding fashionista. Seriously, she changes her clothes about 10 times a day, and she packs multiple outfits into every bag she can find so that she can carry clothes around with her all the time. It's serious.

4. She continues to be the girly-est girl around. Think babies, bunnies, princesses, teacup puppies, ballet, makeup, and more babies. She loves it all!

5. It is quite possible that of the entire Pierce family, Lydia is the most excited person about the approaching arrival of her cousin. I am including the baby's parents in this statement.

I could list so much more, but that is a brief snapshot of what a special little girl we have!

Friday, February 19, 2016

A New Cousin

Here is a little gem: Shepherd and Lydia finding out they're going to be a cousin.


Just for the record, I think the most important thing for everyone to remember is that I'm going to be an aunt. Yep, that is really the point :)

Thursday, December 24, 2015

On Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve, my husband and I will awaken our three children a few hours after we have put them to bed. We will wrap them in fleece blankets, buckle them into their car seats, and drive to the First Christian Church on Maxwell Street.

There, our 5 year-old son will promptly fall back to sleep on the meager cushion of a cold, hard church pew, our 3 year-old daughter will vibrate with the excitement and novelty of this strange night-time adventure, and our 15 month-old daughter will doggedly try to escape my grasp so that she can run up and down the red, thickly-carpeted aisles because it is a general rule of thumb that if she is awake, she is moving.

After settling into the semi-darkness of our towering, candle-lit sanctuary, a guitar will start gently strumming and the voices of dozens of people will join in Christmas carols. In between the songs, we will read from the sacred texts of Matthew and Luke, the story of our God taking on human flesh, becoming the fragile infant Jesus in our broken and dangerous world.

About ten minutes before midnight, all of the congregants will line up in the center aisle and slowly move forward to take their turn receiving the bread that is the body of Christ broken for us and the wine that is the blood of Christ spilled for us.

Once filled, each sleepy worshipper will receive a candle in a small plastic cup whose humble job it is to protect our lush carpet from drops of wax. With our candles in hand, we will line the edges of our sanctuary, and my husband, the minister, will take the largest candle on our Advent table, the Christ candle. He will use the Christ candle to light a person’s candle on each side of the church. Those of us on the edges will share that flame until our sanctuary is surrounded with the light of Christ. And then, with the delicate glow of candlelight flickering across our faces, we will sing “Silent Night.” As the last note fades, we will blow out our candles, re-bundle the children, and drive back to our beds.  

Over 2000 years ago, humanity was going about its business with its long-established rhythm. People were born, they grew up, they worked and struggled, they had families of their own, they died. Nations rose, they warred, they ruled, they fell. And then a baby was born, and he interrupted everything. He changed the way we do and think about the menial parts of our lives because we suddenly knew that God himself had lived a human life; he reframed the very concept of power by showing that greater power can lie within an infant than in a nation; and he gave life in a world filled with death.

Christmas Eve is a busy day. It is filled with good things: gift wrapping, last-minute shopping, cooking, spending time with family. But I would encourage everyone in the spirit of the great interruption that was the birth of Christ to interrupt your Christmas Eve with one of the many Christmas Eve services held in churches all over Ardmore. The First Christian Church holds ours at 11:00 in the evening, but several others are held earlier in the day.

If you do attend, you will likely be stunned with the impact of the event captured in the nativity scene in your living room. While you hear the Scriptures read, look at the infants held in the arms of the mothers around you; our God was once that vulnerable. While you sing the sacred songs, look at all the ordinary people whose voices are filling the church; God entrusted mere humans to raise the once-infant Jesus into adulthood. And when you go to take communion, look at the trembling hands of the elderly people taking their portions; Jesus was born so that death would not be the end of their stories.

Allow all of the significance of the Christmas Eve service to emanate into your Christmas day. Let it enrich the gift giving, the gift receiving, the fellowship with family and friends, the rich food and the even richer traditions. And with this deepened perspective, may you have a blessed and merry Christmas.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

A Christian Response to Syrian Refugees

Out of respect for BJ's position as a clergyman, I rarely state political opinions of any sort. Trust me, I have opinions; I just keep them to myself. But I can't stay silent about a particular issue going on right now. I can't not respond to the rejection of Syrian refugees by states all across America, including my home state of Texas and my current state of residence, Oklahoma.

Being the spouse of a minister, I am constantly standing on the sidelines of discussions about Christianity and America. This year, that discussion has been dominated by concerns over same-sex marriage. Christians in our neck of the woods see same-sex marriage as the greatest threat to the soul of America. At the same time, Christians all over America, including many who are in positions of prominence, are calling for the rejection of non-Christian refugees. In my opinion, the latter issue is a true battle for the soul of America.

Homosexuality is mentioned six times in the Bible. In the grand scheme of the Biblical text, it is pretty insignificant. However, taking care of the widow, the orphan, the oppressed, the foreigner, taking care of these, is mentioned hundreds of times. In 2013, I read through the Bible with a reading group, and I was surprised to find that the tirades of the prophets were not admonishments of the sins I'd been raised to believe were the worst offenses (adultery, fornication, drunkenness, et cet.). But rather, God's anger voiced through the prophets was anger over their negligence of the poor and of the oppressed. In other words, if you want to make God really angry, then turn your back on the people who need your help.

And on a purely practical level, if our goal is to combat terrorism, than our greatest weapon is not a drone. Rather, it is education and the alleviation of fear and poverty. When I see the pictures of the Syrian refugees, what I see is children. Lots of children. Children as vulnerable and as moldable as Shepherd and Lydia and Violet. If we give them a safe place to grow and to be educated, then the chances of them being radicalized dramatically diminishes. When we act out of hope and love, then the terrorists lose.

To close, here are a few verses that I believe speak to this situation.

“He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigners residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt” (Deuteronomy 10:18-19).

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me." Matthew 25:35

And let us never forget that our Savior was once a refugee: "Now when they had gone, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, 'Get up! Take the Child and His mother and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you; for Herod is going to search for the Child to destroy Him.' So Joseph got up and took the Child and His mother while it was still night, and left for Egypt. He remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfill what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet: 'OUT OF EGYPT I CALLED MY SON.'" Matthew 2:13-15

Friday, November 13, 2015

Update: Shepherd

Here is what's up with Shepherd.

1. Shepherd's life currently revolves around school. He still loves school, and is always excited to go. Everyday when he comes home, he tells me excitedly that he earned a jewel that day for perfect behavior. I mean every day. This is, of course, great that he is doing so well, but after spending a morning at school with him a couple of weeks ago, I've come to realize that he is so focused on correct behavior that I'm not sure if he is having any fun. While the other kids were running and playing before the tardy bell, he was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on his assigned carpet square with his hands neatly folded in his lap and his lips pursed together. Much to my surprise, Shepherd appears to have a lot of me in him when it comes to school, and I think that my job as his mom might actually be to encourage him to lighten up and have some fun every once and a while.

2. Speaking of Shepherd being a lot like me when I was little, every morning Shepherd asks me if he has P.E. that day, and on the days that I answer "yes," he always responds by groaning, "I hate P.E." I was that kid. The one who dreaded P.E. all day while everyone else seemed to look forward to it. I feel your pain, Shep.

3. When we attempt to play sports at home, Shepherd's personality really shines. During a family game of basketball the other night, Shepherd hardly played and instead walked around telling us all the rules and the different ways in which we weren't following them correctly.

4. Shepherd has decided on a wife. A couple of weeks ago during Sunday lunch, Shepherd said, "I'm going to marry a girl with big red lips." BJ and I were a little shocked and laughed a bit, but we didn't think too much about it. Later that night, we told our friend, Megan, the story. She started asking questions, the conversation going something like this:

Megan: Shepherd, does this girl wear big red heels?
Shepherd: (starting to giggle lightly) Yes.
Megan: Does she have long red hair?
Shepherd: (giggling a little louder) Yes.
Megan: Is it Rhianna*.
Shepherd: (giggling uncontrollably and as red as a tomato) YES!!!

* (a very pretty 20 year old from church)

4. In fact, Shepherd has quite an eye for the ladies. After having a young, attractive substitute teacher today, Shepherd excitedly told me on the way home, "Mom, she was so pretty! She was even prettier than you!"

5. When Shepherd comes home from school, this is what he a Violet do.

6. Shepherd loves both of his sisters, although he is only willing to admit love for the younger one. Lydia is his playmate and partner in crime, but she is also the one he fights with over toys and space and tv shows and the list goes on. When he came home from school today, Lydia told him that she had missed him. I said, "Oh Shepherd, that is so nice of Lydia. Did you miss her?" He gave a firm no, and when I started to chastise him for his rudeness, he said, "Mom, I was busy missing Violet!" Oh, siblings!

7. And last but not least, here are some pictures of our guy!


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Update: Lydia

Obviously, since Shepherd started school, I'm having a hard time keeping up with this blog. Between running kids around and trying to get done as much housework as possible anytime Violet naps, I never sit down at the computer. But I know that I have family who are anxious to here updates on their three favorite grandchildren/great-grandchildren/nieces/nephew, so I thought I'd carve out some time this week to focus a blogpost on each child and give an update. Here is Lydia in 8 points.

1. Lydia has enthusiastically leaped into the world of imaginary friends. Her main squeeze is Jimmy, a boy with whom she loves to dance. He also naps in Shepherd's bed during her nap time. Sometimes she'll lay her head on my shoulder and tell me to be quiet because Jimmy is singing for us. She also has a pet squirel named FiFi whose nemesis is Shepherd. We have witnessed some pretty strange sibling arguments over that one.

2. At the age of 3, Lydia is still the girly-est girl ever. It is not unusual for her to say sentences in normal conversation that have any combination of 2 or 3 of the following words: fairies, princess, pink, unicorn, baby, ponies, and pretty.

3. While Lydia continues to be girly, she also embraces some of her brother's boyish games. For example, she is sometimes a superhero named (of course) Super Lydia. Last weekend, Super Lydia saved a hoard of crying sheep from...something. I'm not sure what.

4. In a fit of jealousy over Violet having crayons named after her, Lydia has declared that pink will now be called "Lydia pink".

5. Lydia is taking dance lessons where she is sprinkled with fairy dust weekly. The "fairy dust" is some type of spray-on glitter that REFUSES to wash out of her hair, so Lydia is always sparkly.

6. We never know what Lydia is going to say next. This past Sunday, she informed both BJ and I on separate occasions that when she grows up, she is going to have bigger boobs than me. When telling me, she elaborated by saying that they would "reach for the sun." After a moment of stunned silence, all I could come up with was, "Sweetie, this conversation is getting weird."

7. At a doctor's appointment today for flu shots, Lydia asked BJ if he would pick her up so that she could see the doctor's "pretty eyes." Our pediatrician declared her his favorite patient.

8. My mom loves to laugh and say, "BJ has met his match in that little girl." She is right. Case in point: The other morning while the kids were eating cereal and BJ and I were running around the kitchen preparing our breakfasts, Shepherd and Lydia got in some ridiculous argument, the details of which weren't even worth remembering. BJ, always a charmer before coffee, finally broke down and yelled out in exasperation, "Who cares?!?!" Lydia paused from yelling at her brother, looked at BJ, and in a completely matter-of-fact tone said, "Me."

And in conclusion, here are some recent photos of BJ's match.