The Year of Shepherd

My good friend Kayla did a blogpost this week about the one word that she feels best encapsulates 2010 for her. This got me to thinking about how I would define 2010, and it didn't take me long to come to the conclusion that my word of the year is 'Shepherd.'

BJ and I started the year with fertility tests. After a year of disappointment, it seemed like something must be wrong. Sure enough, the test showed a few issues, but before we could get to the follow up appointments, we found ourselves gawking at a plus sign on Valentine's Day.

From there, it was eight months of anticipation. Of course, it included nausea, extreme fatigue, crazy swollen feet, and lots and lots of contractions (I was in labor for months!). But it also included celebrating with family and friends at showers, me and BJ getting our home ready, and washing and folding all the new baby clothes while trying to wrap my mind around the fact that a baby would actually fill them one day.

And then came the delivery. Every Thursday at 4:30 p.m. for the past 7 weeks, I've thought to myself, "This is when I was driving home from work and started really feeling contractions." Then at around 10:00, I think about how I went to bed hoping I could catch some sleep in between contractions. If I were awake at 3:00 in the morning, I'd think about how BJ and I got up and watched an episode of Battlestar Gallactica while timing contractions. After a few clocked in over 5 minutes apart, we decided it wasn't worth going to the hospital and went back to bed. On Friday mornings, I think about how we went to Taco John's for breakfast and then stopped by Walmart to buy BJ deoderant and Lowe's to get a light bulb. Mainly, I had wanted to keep walking around to help with the pain. At 10:30 on Friday mornings, I think about how I called a nurse to tell her everything I just put here, and she said in a shocked voice, "Sweety, you better come in. It's time." And then at 11:30, I mark the time I went to the hospital and the nurse there started laughing when she discovered I was already 7 centimeters. Oops, probably waited a bit long. But for the best moment of them all, I remember holding Shepherd for the first time at 1:12 in the afternoon. I know a week is going to come when I don't think about all of this, but right now I'm still living it over and over again.

The past 8 weeks have been without a doubt the happiest of my life. I love being at home and taking care of my son. I love dressing him in the mornings. I love breastfeeding. I love talking with him in coo sounds while working on art. I love playing the piano with him in my lap. I love our nightly pre-bed rituals that help him calm down. I love every bit of it.

Now the year is ending in holidays that are made all the more special by Shepherds presence. He's starting to smile at me. Sometimes when he looks at me and grins, I literally stop breathing for a moment. I actually have to think about re-starting the whole breathing process again. His smile is that amazing.

I am currently writing this blog post in a position that is extremely uncomfortable because Shepherd has fallen asleep on my chest/left arm. Despite the awkward-ness this lends to typing, I can honestly say I'm okay with the arrangement.