Happy Easter!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter Sunday. Mom and Dad have been here the past few days, so I'll try to get a post up soon. In the mean time, this is just a photo of me with my three guys. I'm a very lucky woman.

Birthdays and Half Birthdays

Friday, Shepherd turned six months old. Today, BJ turns 32 years old. Here is a picture of BJ and Shep this morning on the couch celebrating there journey together into old age.

Since Shepherd can't count to six, he just tried to fit six fingers into his mouth.

After that, Shepherd contemplated the wisdom he has gained over these six months.

He felt enlightened and hopeful for the future.

But then he peed his pants.

Happy birthday, BJ! You are a blessing to both me and Shepherd. And happy half birthday, Shepherd. It's been an amazing six months.

Watch Out World: He's Going Mobile

Shepherd has acquired the ability to move from point A to point B. It isn't graceful or fast, but he can do it. I'm so proud!

My, How Times Have Changed

I've always asked BJ a pretty standard wife question before we leave the house: "How do I look?" The other day, it struck me that I was asking BJ a very different question on our way out the door: "How much spit-up is on this shirt?" I'm not sure what is more shocking; that my pre-outing question has changed or that the new question in and of itself implies that there is a certain amount of spit-up that is entirely appropriate on one's shirt in public.

It is hard to put into words just how much Shepherd has changed our lives, but I think this comes pretty close.

This Makes Me Giggle

Life Roles

Although my blog is full of happy pictures of Shepherd, it is probably not too shocking to hear that this year has been a little tough so far. It is hard to be content in one place when you know you will soon be leaving. We love the friends we have made here and dread the goodbyes that are looming over the horizon, which makes the time we do spend with them bittersweet. To complicate matters, the when/where/how are still unclear, so a sense of instability is hanging over our lives.

I'm finding my reaction to all of this to be an internal battle between the undeniable pain of the situation and a deep desire to appreciate the precious stage of life I currently occupy. Shepherd will only be a baby once. I will only get to raise him once. I know it is cheesy to say this, but he is a miracle to me. Perhaps it is the bright side to my perpetual worrying, but I am able to fully be in awe of his 10 fingers and 10 toes because I spent so much of my pregnancy worrying that I would eat the once thing that leads to 9-toed babies. His vivacity and joy and humor and relentless activity (while exhausting) are miraculous. In addition to only getting to raise Shepherd once, I'll also only experience my 20s once, and I'll only be a young housewife once, and I'll only start my first art business once, and you get the picture. These are all blessings I don't feel like missing out on.

But I am constantly aware of a severe sense of disappointment and failure over the past three years, and I'm not sure I'm up to the task of being a preacher's wife for the next 40 years. Don't get me wrong. I'm up to being BJ's wife. It's being a preacher's wife that can really suck some times.

So this is the conundrum I find myself in. At some point I'm going to have to reconcile myself to the one role in my life that I can't seem to relish. I love,love,love being a wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend. And while the feminist in me says that no woman should be defined by the job her spouse holds, the pragmatist in me says, "Oh, yes they are" (at least when said spouse is a politician or preacher).

In the mean time, when I start getting all fidget-y and depressed, I just go to my happy place, which just so happens to be the picture I posted last week of Shep smiling. Seriously, who can possibly be worried or sad when looking at this face?

One More Face of Shepherd

Pure Joy

The Many Faces of Shepherd

Shocked

Focused

Inquisitive

Concerned

Indignant

Confused

Entirely Bored with His Mother

5 Months

Shepherd turned 5 months old yesterday. Shep spent part of his 5-month birthday chillin' with his dad.


Then he had a little issue he had to take care of. A little 'air' issue, shall we say.


But after taking care of that, he felt very relaxed and happy.


That pretty much sums up the life of a 5-month old.

so tired

I have been a busy lady here lately. For starters, I have a baby. And a husband. And a dog. They all have to be fed, and the former two create massive amounts of laundry. Also, our realtor has chosen our house to be featured in a First-Day-of-Spring Open House event. We are organizing a yard sale to help clear clutter out. Also, I'm trying to get my Etsy shop running smoothly. Of course, there is also the job of supporting BJ in his current job hunt. On top of all of that, I have to take care of the boring everyday stuff, like brushing my teeth.

BJ, Shepherd, and I just had my dad and brother visit us. It was a lovely week. I would love to post about it real soon. But right now, my only goal in life is to drag my tired self to bed and to do it quietly enough to not wake my son. It would also be nice if I can manage the energy to brush my teeth. We'll see how that goes.

Hello Old Friend

After whizzing and stripping down to my knickers this morning (I know, too much information), I officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight. After doing a celebratory hoppy dance, Shep and I laid on the floor together and celebrated.

And just in case you were wondering, this is a pretty normal way for me and Shepherd to spend a morning. I have the best job on earth.

Trials in Eating

At Shepherd's four-month check-up, we were given the go ahead to start him on rice cereal. When we set down for the first feeding last night, we were very optimistic.


This here is how that went:




When I succeeded in getting zero food down my son, BJ decided to give it a try. And this here is how that went:






We then gave up. The good news is that tonight, it went much better.


Shepherd actually swallowed most of the food. The only draw back was that I got more rice cereal on my clothes than he got on his bib. Oh well. We made progress, at least.

4 months

(Shepherd listening to music with BJ.)

Shepherd had his 4 month check-up today. We learned a few things. Mainly, we learned that he is long. Shepherd jumped from the 40th percentile among boys his age in height to the 75th percentile. This essentially means he has had one mean growth spurt. The main thing that is wonderful about this is that it explains his recent fussiness. He was just growing, perhaps a little faster than is normal, and his body is trying very hard to keep up with it all. What was funny is that he is only in the 25th percentile in weight. Basically, he's my little string bean.

When visiting the pediatrician, a parent is encouraged to divulge all of their child's recent developments. About 3 minutes into the appointment, I realized I have a near irrational pride in just about everything about Shepherd. I found myself basically being a giant braggart. My son can (already) roll over both ways. He makes eye contact with everyone he meets, and he almost always smiles for them. When music comes on, he listens. When I read him books, he looks at the pages. He can lift up his torso and move his legs in crawling-like motion. His eyes are so big, I'm pretty sure they catapult him into the 99.9th percentile for cuteness in boys his age. Somebody stop me. It's like word vomit. I can't stop telling people that my son is like every other baby, except somehow better.

What was even worse is that I ended up bragging about my dog as well. Gus is so empathetic. When Shep cries, he runs, whimpering, towards the baby and licks Shep's feet or legs. He sits by us until Shepherd is fully pacified. He stands between Shepherd and visitors in a protective manner. He is essentially the best dog ever.

Please forgive my bragging. I'm going to end this blog post before I start talking about how gracious BJ is and what an amazing father he is becoming. No really I'll stop now. But he is awesome. All of my boys are awesome.

Elegance with a Smudge

Ever since I became a stay-at-home mom, I knew that this is my best opportunity to start selling my art. Since the beginning of the new year, I've been focusing all of my free time on starting an online shop. After painting and planning and reading up on craft businesses and a lot of other prep work, I am starting to post items on my Etsy shop, Elegance with a Smudge. You will notice that on the side of this blog is a feed that shows items as I post them. I'll have many paintings going up in the next few days, so keep an eye out. Hope you enjoy!

"Home" with Shepherd

Shepherd had a bad day today. We think he is teething (or, at least, that is what I tell myself to give the hours of crying meaning). To complicate things, BJ has been gone four to five nights a week for the past month, leaving me wondering how in the world single moms do it.

By the end of today, I was haggard to say the least, so when BJ left once again at 7:30ish, I didn't know how I would make it through the next half hour until Shepherd's bath and bedtime. Suddenly, I remembered a day a month ago when Shepherd and I listened to indie music from NPR's tiny desk concerts. He actually seemed calmed by the music, so I ran with my crying baby on my hip to the computer and pulled up Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros singing "Home". I started twirling and dancing silly and singing and basically doing anything I could think of to make my baby smile. And in a moment of pure grace, it worked.

There is something about dancing in circles singing the words, "Ahh, Home/Let me come Home/Home is wherever I’m with you/Ahh, Home/Let me come Home/Home is when I’m alone with you," to your giggling baby boy that just makes the world seem like a wonderful place. When I was a child, I was told that heaven would be a place where we would sit around singing hymns all day. That sort of sounds like torture. I hope instead that heaven is simply a place where the feeling I had tonight dancing with Shepherd is multiplied infinitely. At the end of this very long day, my mind is too exhausted to be sure of much, but I am sure of one thing: I see God's creativity, grace, and beauty in my four-month old son everyday, and it is astounding.

The Highlight of My 26th Birthday

Today, I turned 26 years old. It was a good birthday full of card games, family, and good food. However, the highlight of the day came at the end when I was changing Shepherd's diaper. I had put him to bed, but he woke up angry over a soggy diaper. Shepherd has quite a temper, and in a fit of anger, he rolled over. It was the first time I'd ever seen him accomplish this feat. He was buck naked and red with anger, but I was so proud of him and immediately began clapping and cheering. When I rolled him to his back, he looked up with a confused grin that clearly said, "I can tell by your reaction I did something awesome, but I'm not sure what exactly it is I did." That moment alone made for a very happy birthday.

Dress Code

The first couple of months of Shepherd's life, I was so enamored of all the baby shower clothes and the opportunity to live out my childhood baby-doll games, I kept Shepherd dressed pretty well most of the time. If he spit up on his outfit or had a diaper malfunction or managed to pee on his clothing during a diaper change while I was reaching for a wet wipe, I'd replace the adorable puppy-dog outfit he had started the day in with an equally adorable bear or tiger or monkey outfit. He was a very well-dressed little boy.

After three months of being a stay-at-home mom. I'm finding that I'm starting to fall behind on this particular aspect of the job. It isn't so much that I'm loosing the battle. Rather, it is that the battle is starting to seem less important. Here is a case in point. This morning, Shepherd started the day like this...

...and ended the day like this:

Between the shirt riding up, one booty missing, a total disappearance of the pants, and a nice stream of drool running down the chin, you might think something had gone terrible wrong somewhere along the way. But all I was seeing at this point of the day was a baby who wasn't crying or fussing and who had on a fairly dry and fairly clean diaper. I now know without a doubt that these are the things that constitute a well-dressed child, so in my book, he's still looking pretty cute.

Transitions

BJ and I have lived in Kentucky for over 2 and a half years. It has been a time of good memories, some struggles, and colder temperatures than should be allowed. This Sunday at church, BJ announced to our congregation that we will be leaving Kentucky in 2011, and we are currently in the process of looking for a new place to minister. BJ explained what is going on very well, so I'm just going to let him speak for me. This is the statement BJ read at church yesterday, and just to be clear, he read it word for word not to be disingenuous, but rather because it was a hard thing to say.

"In early January it was brought to my attention that the general feeling of the congregation was that I am not meeting the expectations of a full-time minister. It was expressed to me that this disappointment was primarily in two areas, with my preaching and with my people skills. The hope in letting me know this was that I would be able to make changes toward meeting this congregation’s expectations, but my preaching and my people reflect the nature of who I am and that makes them very, very difficult to change. In order to make the fruitful changes necessary I would need to change my personality, and that is something I cannot do. Instead, I come before you today to let you know that in 2011 I will be partnering with the leadership of this congregation to transition into another ministry in a way that is best for me, my family, and this congregation.

"That makes 2011 a year of transition for all of us. Kalyn and I will at some point be moving, and you will be searching for another minister. It will be a year of challenges, but also a year of new opportunities. So as we continue into this new year, I would like to share with you a few thoughts that are on my mind and in my heart.

"First, I thank you for the past few years. When Kalyn and I first moved here it was for a career change. I had been a teacher, but felt called, sometimes shoved, to ministry. At the same time, I had always been intimidated by ministry, the reasons for that I have shared with you before. Did I really want to dedicate my life to full-time ministry? Was I okay with my family living this life-style? Did I have gifts that could serve in this capacity? Did I trust God to care for us? Those questions have all been answered.

"This congregation has also provided me and my family with an income and a place to call home. We’ve always had food on our plates and been able to pay the bills. We’ve enjoyed connecting with many of you and many of your children. We’ve enjoyed the bonfires and the games of sardines. We’ve enjoyed visiting with you in your homes and having many of you over to ours. I have been humbled by your willingness to invite me into your lives during times of crisis. I’ve enjoyed the van rides and listening to the teens sing along to the daily top five. The hospitality that has been shown to us has meant a great deal. We’ll have good memories from here, and we have you to thank for that.

"I have tried to meet the expectations of this congregation. Sometimes I have; sometimes I have not, but it has all provided me with a chance to grow and mature both as a person and as a minister, something that is seldom pleasant, but always necessary. Ministers never have the full support of every member of their congregations, so to those of you who feel slighted or hurt or ignored by something I have done or said, or something I have failed to do or say, I am sorry.

"After two and a half years it is a difficult thing to acknowledge the fact that my gifts and strengths are not the gifts and strengths this congregation needs, but that seems to be where we’re at. Farmington is a congregation with great potential, but I was not the right minister to help you realize that potential. I wish that were not the case, and I hope and pray that the minister after me will help you achieve your hopes and dreams.

"In the interim, I will continue to work and serve this congregation to the best of my ability. I pray that God continues to watch over us all, to protect us and to lead us into new, green pastures. I truly hope and pray that the Lord will bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord will lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace."

Love

Shepherd turned three months old yesterday. That has given me three months to get used to motherhood. In some ways, I have adjusted very well. I am used to getting up once or twice a night, changing diapers every 30 minutes to an hour, and doing housework in spurts that just so happen to coincide with Shepherd's naps.

What I can't seem to get used to is just how intensely I feel when it comes to Shepherd. The amount of love I feel when I look at him causes an achy feeling when I inhale. The smallest expression from him (a grin, a furrowed brow, a pout) instantly captivates my attention and blurs my surroundings. In all honesty, all of this intensity is flat out frightening.

I've been trying to figure out why I feel this much this strongly about one person. It isn't a quantitative issue; I don't love Shepherd more than BJ. I've come to decide that it is more an issue of vulnerability. All loving relationships leave a person at least somewhat vulnerable. With BJ, I consciously subjected myself to the vulnerability. When I told him I loved him for the first time in an ACU parking lot, I knew that I was opening myself to the possibility of rejection, but I felt that the shot at love was worth the risk of heartbreak. Each time we took our relationship to a deeper level, I knew that I was simultaneously increasing how badly I would hurt if our relationship ended. With Shepherd, there was not an incremental process of becoming more and more vulnerable. He was just born, and suddenly I knew that anytime he hurts or suffers or struggles, I will feel all of that pain, perhaps worse than he will. And this realization was and has continued to be terrifying.

This past week, an aunt of my best friend lost her 22 year old son in a car accident. When I think about this mother, I can barely breath. I pray for her and the unimaginable pain she must be experiencing, and like all mothers when they hear news of this sort, I attach a prayer for my own son's safety and health. But despite all the fear that I'm finding is part of motherhood, the bare-naked vulnerability of this office, I am absolutely certain it is worth the risk. If Shepherd learns nothing else from me in these next 18 years as I raise him, I hope he learns this: he is worth being loved, and love is no small thing.

He does not like "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"